All my professional life I’ve struggled with what are broadly referred to as human skills.  Emotional by nature and rebellious by choice, it’s sometimes been extremely challenging for me to follow the sage advice “Be hard on the issues, but soft on the people.”

Now, in perhaps one of the greatest ironies of my life, I have become the lead facilitator for a series of workshops on “human skills” for Tokyo Medical and Dental University professors. I’ve distilled the essential human skills into a “mindset toolkit” that makes these sometimes-fluffy ideas succinct and accessible.

Here are six of the 12 tools in the instalment of this article.

The 12 heuristics below have helped me transform Feelings, Actions, Communication and Thinking (F.A.C.T.) in myself, my colleagues and the thousands of people who have survived what I am now calling my “work shocks” (workshop seemed too tame a word).

Perception is not reality

Like just about every young person on this planet, I grew up thinking that the view of the world my senses transmit to me is “reality”. Gradually this notion was transformed through education and experience. In my university physics classes I learned how different the reality of our universe is from my perception of it. Solid objects? They’re mostly empty space. Visible light? That’s just the part of the electromagnetic spectrum my eyes can detect.

Since then, I’ve found plenty of examples of how easily our perception of reality is distorted by the way our miraculous brains work. Optical illusions provide a powerful example of this. As a result of my experiences, I now understand that there are everyday situations in which I can’t accurately see, hear, count or add. As a result, I’ve developed a healthy scepticism about what my brain tells me is “reality”, a great deal more humility about what I know to be “true” and a more open mind. Very handy!

Complex is not complicated

Although birds flying in flocks are fairly close to one another, they somehow manage to execute their aerial ballet without mid-air collisions. This is just one of many everyday phenomena that appear complicated, but are merely complex. Complexity theory has proven that relatively simple principles can underlie apparently complicated situations.

Knowing this has inspired me to look for organising principles and patterns in tumultuous times. Even if I can’t perceive the underlying patterns, I no longer find it intimidating to face a situation that seems complicated because I know there is a possibility that a simple order lies beneath the perplexing exterior.

There is no box, except in our minds

The greatest obstacles I’ve faced in my life have been self-imposed. Adult human brains seem to readily embrace negative thinking and overcoming this tendency takes conscious awareness and discipline.

Possibilities multiply when I stop thinking about the obstacles to success and start asking: What’s possible?, What seems impossible? and What would make ‘impossible’ become possible?

Self-limiting assumptions and beliefs kill many ideas before they are even voiced. Logic and reason fail us because we can’t perceive reality or the entire catalogue of possibilities. Serendipity and intuitive leaps are legitimate paths to discovering new possibilities. They’re just anxiety-inducing for those of us who prefer to know exactly what’s going to happen before we begin!

Replace judgment with curiosity

I vividly recall the day in August 1995 that I discovered that my brain was a voting machine – constantly judging whether something was good or bad, right or wrong, whether I liked it or didn’t, or whether I agreed or disagreed with a particular point of view. This polarised thinking didn’t leave any room for nuances in my thinking or graciousness in my behaviour with those on the other side of an issue.

Gradually I came to appreciate “shades of grey” and the value of being curious about other people’s perspectives. I no longer imagine that my way of achieving results is the only way, and I try to help people discover what’s possible instead of leading them in a direction that I think they should go.

Collaboration beats competition

I’ve never played competitive sports, and from an early age I had an aversion to playing games that had winners and losers, especially if I was the loser. Even though my grades were excellent, I avoided comparing them to others because of something my wise mother told me: “There’s always someone better than you and there’s always someone worse than you.”

Collaboration, on the other hand, has always intrigued me. When I was young I rallied the neighbourhood kids to build camps in the woods near our home, and plan lengthy bicycle trips that our parents had no intention of allowing us to embark upon.

Over the course of my career, I’ve discovered that making the pie bigger is more profitable than arguing over who gets the biggest share of a few crumbs.

Different is not deficient

All my life I’ve been the “different” one. When I worked at HP one of my friends gave me a book called A Peacock in the Land of Penguins. Reading it helped me understand why I felt so out of place. Now research has proven that diverse teams have an advantage over monolithic ones. And the most diverse business organisations deliver substantially greater business results.

It’s challenging to deal with differences, but the benefits are undeniable. Imagine a baseball team with 9 great catchers – no one would expect them to win! Aside from the obvious types of diversity such as gender and ethnicity, I’ve found differences in thinking and work style even more challenging to handle – and extremely valuable in equipping a team to deliver results.

• A Tell report / Writer Kimberly Wiefling is the President of Wiefling Consulting, co-founder of Silicon Valley Alliances, and author of Scrappy Project Management, a global business leadership consultant, and a force of nature – the good kind! She specializes in global team effectiveness – helping teams achieve what seems impossible but is merely difficult. Her latest book is bilingual (English & Japanese), Inspired Organizational Cultures, and has a foreword written by her mentor, Dr Edgar Schein, the father of organisational cultures.